Dealing with anxiety and depression, especially when it feels like everything is out of control, is incredibly difficult. It’s even more challenging when, from the outside, everything seems fine, but internally, nothing feels right. Many people experience this paradox — the external appearance of success or normalcy while internally grappling with feelings of despair, exhaustion, and helplessness. If you’re feeling like you’re constantly bowing down to others’ expectations, unable to cope with the weight of these feelings, it’s crucial to recognize that what you’re experiencing is valid. Your emotional and mental well-being matters, and acknowledging that you need help is the first step toward healing.
Understanding Anxiety and Depression
Before diving into strategies for dealing with these emotions, it’s important to understand the nature of anxiety and depression. While they can coexist, they are distinct experiences.
Anxiety is characterized by persistent worry, fear, or nervousness. People dealing with anxiety often feel like they are on edge, waiting for something bad to happen. Physically, anxiety can manifest as headaches, nausea, difficulty sleeping, rapid heart rate, and muscle tension. In social situations, anxiety may cause you to avoid interactions or fear judgment. It creates a sense of “fight or flight,” where your body and mind are in a constant state of heightened alert.
Depression, on the other hand, feels like a heavy fog that clouds your life. It can make it hard to find joy in things you used to love, sap your energy, and create feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. While anxiety can drive you to action (albeit anxious action), depression often leaves you feeling stuck and helpless. You may feel disconnected from yourself and others, numb, or overwhelmed by sadness.
Both anxiety and depression can stem from a variety of causes: personal relationships, work pressures, family dynamics, societal expectations, or major life changes. In your case, the feeling that you’re forced to live according to others’ wishes and not being able to cope with it may be a significant driver of your emotional distress.
Why It Feels Like No One Understands
One of the most painful aspects of mental health struggles is the feeling that no one understands what you’re going through. When people say things like “But your life seems so good!” or “You have nothing to be upset about,” it can deepen your isolation. People may be well-meaning, but such comments can invalidate your experience, making you feel like you have no right to your emotions.
The truth is, mental health isn’t always about circumstances. You could be doing well professionally, have supportive friends or family, and still feel lost inside. This dissonance between how things look and how they feel can make you feel guilty — like you’re ungrateful or somehow failing for not being happy. But emotions are complex, and you don’t need to justify them to anyone. Just because your life may look “good” to others doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to struggle.
It’s also worth noting that societal pressures, such as always appearing happy, successful, or “on track,” can exacerbate these feelings. You may feel like you need to meet expectations — your own or others’ — or that you’re somehow letting people down if you admit that you’re struggling. But your emotional health is more important than upholding any image.
Acknowledge the Pressure to Conform
Feeling like you have to live according to others’ wishes is incredibly draining. You might feel as though your needs, desires, and identity are being eclipsed by others’ expectations. Whether it’s pressure from family, friends, or society in general, this sense of having to “bow down” can cause immense stress, anxiety, and even a loss of self. The reality is that trying to live for others will never bring you true fulfillment.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with the pressure to conform — to make choices based on what others think is best, whether it’s related to career, relationships, or lifestyle. The key is recognizing that these expectations, while significant, do not define your worth or your path.
Step 1: Create Boundaries and Learn to Say No
One of the first and most important steps in reclaiming control over your life is setting boundaries. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about protecting your emotional and mental well-being. If you feel like others’ desires are constantly dictating your actions, it’s time to start practicing saying “no.”
At first, this can be terrifying. You might worry about disappointing people or being seen as selfish. But learning to say no is essential to preserving your mental health. Boundaries can be both emotional and practical:
- Emotional boundaries mean deciding what emotions you’ll engage with and which ones you won’t. If someone is pushing you into decisions that make you uncomfortable, give yourself permission to disengage from that conversation.
- Practical boundaries involve concrete actions. If you’re constantly being asked to do things you don’t want to, learn to decline. Start with small things and gradually work your way up to setting larger boundaries.
Boundaries help protect your emotional space, allowing you to reclaim some control over your life. Over time, setting boundaries will help you feel less like you’re being pulled in different directions by other people’s expectations.
Step 2: Seek Help — Professional and Social Support
If you’re struggling to cope with anxiety and depression, it’s important to recognize that you don’t have to go through it alone. Seeking help, both professionally and socially, can make a huge difference.
- Therapy: Speaking to a therapist or counselor can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings. Therapy is not about being told what to do; it’s about finding clarity, learning coping mechanisms, and having someone to guide you through your mental health challenges. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), for instance, is an effective approach for managing anxiety and depression. It helps you recognize negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier ones.
- Medication: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by anxiety or depression, consulting a psychiatrist may be a good step. Medication isn’t for everyone, but for some, it can help balance the brain’s chemistry and make it easier to manage emotions. There’s no shame in considering medication as part of your healing process.
- Support Networks: Surround yourself with people who truly understand and respect your emotions. This might not always be family or close friends, especially if they are part of the problem. Finding support groups, whether in person or online, can provide a sense of community where you can share your experiences without fear of judgment.
Step 3: Develop Self-Compassion
One of the hardest parts about dealing with mental health struggles is the self-criticism that often accompanies them. You might feel like you should be stronger, or that you’re failing by not being able to handle everything. This is where self-compassion becomes essential.
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. It’s recognizing that it’s okay to struggle, that you don’t need to be perfect, and that your feelings are valid. Practicing self-compassion can take many forms:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Instead of pushing away negative emotions, acknowledge them. Tell yourself, “It’s okay that I’m feeling anxious or sad right now.” Recognize that these feelings don’t define you, but they are a part of your experience.
- Avoid Negative Self-Talk: If you find yourself thinking things like “I’m a failure” or “I’ll never get better,” stop and reframe those thoughts. Instead, tell yourself, “I’m doing my best” or “I’m taking steps to heal, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
- Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is about staying present and acknowledging your thoughts without judgment. When anxiety and depression cause your mind to spiral, mindfulness can help you regain a sense of calm. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, or simply sitting with your thoughts for a few minutes each day can improve your emotional resilience.
Step 4: Reclaim Control Over Your Life
When you feel like others are dictating how you should live, it’s easy to lose your sense of identity. You may have even forgotten what truly makes you happy or what goals you want to pursue. Reclaiming control starts with small steps:
- Reconnect with Your Passions: Start by asking yourself what you enjoy, even if it feels insignificant. It could be something as simple as reading, painting, cooking, or going for walks. Gradually, allow yourself to engage in these activities without feeling guilty.
- Set Personal Goals: Write down small, manageable goals that are meaningful to you. These could be related to your career, personal development, or relationships. Having personal goals gives you something to work towards that is yours, not what others expect from you.
- Create a Routine: When dealing with depression and anxiety, it’s easy to lose structure in your day. Creating a daily or weekly routine can help you feel more grounded. Include activities that nourish your mental and physical well-being, like exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Step 5: Break the Cycle of Perfectionism
Many people who struggle with anxiety and depression also deal with perfectionism. You may feel like you’re never doing enough or that you need to meet impossibly high standards, whether they come from yourself or others. This constant striving for perfection can fuel anxiety and depression, creating a vicious cycle of never feeling good enough.
Breaking free from perfectionism involves recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are part of life. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy. Instead, try to focus on progress, not perfection. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and remind yourself that it’s okay to fail sometimes. Every step you take — even if it’s small — is a step toward healing.
Step 6: Take Care of Your Physical Health
It’s easy to overlook your physical health when you’re dealing with mental health struggles, but the two are deeply connected. Taking care of your body can have a positive impact on your mind.
- Exercise: Regular physical activity can boost your mood and reduce anxiety. You don’t need to engage in intense workouts; even a short walk or light stretching can help release endorphins, the brain’s natural mood enhancers.
- Sleep: Poor sleep can worsen anxiety and depression. Try to establish a healthy sleep routine by going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Avoid screens before bedtime, and create a calming environment in your bedroom.
- Nutrition: Eating a balanced diet can affect your mental health. While food isn’t a cure, it can contribute to a better mood and more energy. Avoid excessive caffeine or sugar, which can increase anxiety, and focus on whole foods that nourish your body.
Step 7: Learn to Let Go
Finally, learning to let go of what you can’t control is one of the most liberating steps in dealing with anxiety and depression. When you feel like you have to bow to the wishes of others, you may become obsessed with trying to meet their expectations. But the truth is, you can’t control how others perceive you or what they want from you.
What you can control is your reaction to these expectations. Instead of trying to please everyone, focus on what’s within your control: your actions, your thoughts, and your emotions. Let go of the need to be perfect or to meet others’ standards. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about others, but rather that you start caring about yourself too.
Conclusion: You Are Worth the Effort
Dealing with anxiety and depression, especially when you feel like you’re living for others, is an incredibly tough journey. But remember: you are worth the effort. Your mental health matters, and taking steps to reclaim control over your life, seek help, and practice self-compassion can make all the difference. Healing is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. Be patient with yourself, and know that it’s never too late to start living life on your own terms.
